Where There's Smoke

Given my somewhat scathing critique of Houston , it only seems fair that I turn the Light of Truth on my current home state, Florida. You really need to know these Seven 7hings   before you come visit. 1.   The News :   Residents of Florida know all too well how many notorious weirdos from Florida have made the news.   We’ve made national front pages with Ted Bundy, Aileen Wuornos, Casey Anthony, George Zimmerman, and Rudy Eugene (the dude who ate another dude’s face off), among other notables. 2.   Thanks a lot, Rest of America :   Since nearly two-thirds (65%) of Florida’s residents were born in another state, we’re not taking full blame for the knuckleheads in 7hing number 1.   In fact, the names and birthplaces of some of the principles of Florida’s more infamous news stories: Aileen Wuornos: Rochester, MI Ted Bundy:   Burlington, VT Casey Anthony:   Warren, OH George Zimmerman:   Manassas, VA Rud...

Granted, these are Seven stupid 7hings.   But ladies, if you want to know what goes through that tiny brain of your man, read on. 1.   “Damn…six more months to go until football season”:    Ladies, men care about three things.   Football, food...and Valentine’s day is not the third one. 2.   “What’s the least amount of time, money, and effort I can put into this and still get laid?”:   …and there you go.   For those wondering what the third thing is, here it is. 3.   “I wonder what she’s getting me ?”:   You’re lucky she lets you hang around with her, you cretin.   Valentine’s day is her day, not yours.   I’m sure it was invented by the first man who witnessed childbirth firsthand and understood that menstruation was a monthly event.   Don’t bitch about her not getting you chocolates.   We definitely got the better end of this deal, fellas. 4.   “The flowers at the grocery store are a quarter ...

Seven 7hings:  To Hate About Houston .   Feel free to add your own.   With Houston, there are plenty of candidates, far too many things to fit in a list of seven.   Or seven hundred. 1.  Houston is a rootbound plant:   The infrastructure of Houston for some reason hesitates to grow outside the I-610 loop and absolutely refuses to expand outward past the Sam Houston Tollway.   As a result, the infrastructure for more than two million people is jammed into a circle with a 15 mile radius.   Hence, a rootbound plant. 2.  Traffic:   Related to the rootboundedness of Houston is the traffic.   And by traffic, I mean the drivers.   And by drivers, I mean idiot Texans. 3.  Concrete:   Everything in Houston is concrete, even the lawns.   Seriously, you’re the fourth largest city in the United States…buy a freaking fern already. 4.  Weather:   From the Napoleonic wars through Vietnam to pre...

Seven 7hings is a new gimmick concept in the Smoke House blog.  I will list seven things about a particular topic. Fancy, huh? For starters, the inaugural Seven 7hings will be about, of course, Seven 7hings: 1.  Seven 7hings will include a BO NUS THING , generally in opposition to the actual seven things listed.  For example, in my Seven 7hings:  To Hate About Houston , there will be a BO NUS THING thing that’s good about Houston.   However, t he BO NUS THING may have nothing whatsoever to do with the topic.  My gimmick concept , my rules. 2.  This BO NUS THING is not an eighth thing.  That would make the blog title Eight 7hings and that would make the 7 in the title just stupid. 3.  Seven 7hings will be filled with actual facts about the actual topic.  I will not make things up.  All seven things -- and the bonu s thing -- are a ll true. 4.  So far, I have 43 Seven 7hings topics selected.  Not i...