Where There's Smoke

Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because their words had forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night. - Dylan Thomas You never fully realize just how much you want to live until you think you’re going to die. For about 10 days, I thought I was going to die.  I know that sounds all melodramatic but it really happened that way. I went to see a doctor due to a rando m pain in my abdomen.  The doctor ordered a CT scan and the next day she called to tell me that it showed that I had, “...a possible lesion on the head of [my] pancreas.” Though I had no other symptoms, my mi nd immediately leapt to the worst possible outcome:  the lesion was pancreatic cancer.  I did some research and discovered that only 5% of people with pancreatic cancer are alive five years after their diagnosis. Sidetrack for the best joke I wrote a couple days after the phone call: Doctor:  “You have a possible lesion on the head of ...

Yes, it's been far too long since I've provided a new Seven 7hings .  I've been busy.  Sue me. The good news is that there are a whole lot of new topics coming.  Here are Seven 7hings you can look for in the coming weeks: 1.  Seven 7hings:  About East Tennessee 2.  Seven 7hings:  About Apartment Life 3.  Seven 7hings:  About Moving 4.  Seven 7hings:  About the Upcoming College Football Season 5.  Seven 7hings:  About Being Alone 6.  Seven 7hings:  About Battling Depression and Anxiety 7.  Seven 7hings:  About Quitting Smoking BONUS THING : Sportscasters and fans mock Tiger Woods for having so openly stated his career goal was to win more major championships than Jack Nicklaus, who retired with 18. Following his 2009 Thanksgiving to Forget, Tiger hasn't won a major, leaving him with 14.  Critics point to this fact as some sort of hubris or karmic fate for his past indiscretions...

Faithful Followers of this blog (thanks, Mom), may recall my post from February 2012 in which I promised to chronicle the adventures of a fat man (yours truly) in a little surya namaskar . For the uninitiated, surya namaskar is a sequence of asanas or body positions involved in the practice of yoga.  Of course, I thought it was something one wears when practicing yoga which would have made my Chris Farley/David Spade reference actually funny, but no sense crying over spilled curry chutney. It has taken some time and a confluence of circumstances to get me into the ashram or, as I call it, “the place where a small woman makes me do things that hurt,” but I’ve finally taken the plunge.  For those considering taking up the practice, I’m here to report back what to expect once you decide the recliner just isn’t meditative enough. So without further ado (which in and of itself is superfluous and, in fact, further ado), I present Seven 7hings: About Yoga. 1.   ...

Shane Battier , current Miami Heat backup and erstwhile Duke Blue Devil, recently said "Sometimes you've got to eat a turd sandwich.  Makes the ribeye taste better next time." Happy breakfast, sports fans! While his choice of analogy was perhaps somewhat inelegant or distasteful, his point was perfect for recent (and current) events in the life of this fancy-pants writer and wanderer. For a multitude of reasons, I've recently taken a position far, far away from home, with "home" being defined as that place where I live in peace and harmony with my beloved Miss Aunt Lisa, Toby, the Notorious Z.O.E. (she loves it when you call her big Paw-Paw), and sometimes the lovely and wholly insane Lady Lauren. While at an intellectual level these circumstances did not appear to be particularly daunting, the effect has been unsettling to say the least (though I rarely ever say the least). I traded our beautiful home in Winter Springs, Florida for a on...

Given my somewhat scathing critique of Houston , it only seems fair that I turn the Light of Truth on my current home state, Florida. You really need to know these Seven 7hings   before you come visit. 1.   The News :   Residents of Florida know all too well how many notorious weirdos from Florida have made the news.   We’ve made national front pages with Ted Bundy, Aileen Wuornos, Casey Anthony, George Zimmerman, and Rudy Eugene (the dude who ate another dude’s face off), among other notables. 2.   Thanks a lot, Rest of America :   Since nearly two-thirds (65%) of Florida’s residents were born in another state, we’re not taking full blame for the knuckleheads in 7hing number 1.   In fact, the names and birthplaces of some of the principles of Florida’s more infamous news stories: Aileen Wuornos: Rochester, MI Ted Bundy:   Burlington, VT Casey Anthony:   Warren, OH George Zimmerman:   Manassas, VA Rud...

Granted, these are Seven stupid 7hings.   But ladies, if you want to know what goes through that tiny brain of your man, read on. 1.   “Damn…six more months to go until football season”:    Ladies, men care about three things.   Football, food...and Valentine’s day is not the third one. 2.   “What’s the least amount of time, money, and effort I can put into this and still get laid?”:   …and there you go.   For those wondering what the third thing is, here it is. 3.   “I wonder what she’s getting me ?”:   You’re lucky she lets you hang around with her, you cretin.   Valentine’s day is her day, not yours.   I’m sure it was invented by the first man who witnessed childbirth firsthand and understood that menstruation was a monthly event.   Don’t bitch about her not getting you chocolates.   We definitely got the better end of this deal, fellas. 4.   “The flowers at the grocery store are a quarter ...

Seven 7hings:  To Hate About Houston .   Feel free to add your own.   With Houston, there are plenty of candidates, far too many things to fit in a list of seven.   Or seven hundred. 1.  Houston is a rootbound plant:   The infrastructure of Houston for some reason hesitates to grow outside the I-610 loop and absolutely refuses to expand outward past the Sam Houston Tollway.   As a result, the infrastructure for more than two million people is jammed into a circle with a 15 mile radius.   Hence, a rootbound plant. 2.  Traffic:   Related to the rootboundedness of Houston is the traffic.   And by traffic, I mean the drivers.   And by drivers, I mean idiot Texans. 3.  Concrete:   Everything in Houston is concrete, even the lawns.   Seriously, you’re the fourth largest city in the United States…buy a freaking fern already. 4.  Weather:   From the Napoleonic wars through Vietnam to pre...