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There’s no turning back

On May 6, 2023, at 1:46 am Eastern Daylight Time, Lauren Renee Higginbotham died of multiple organ failure due to cirrhosis, resulting from alcohol dependence. She died of what is commonly called alcoholism.

Lauren was 30 years old.

And she was my daughter.

It’s my own design

It’s my own remorse

Help me to decide

Lauren knew she was an alcoholic. She entered her first alcohol treatment program at age 21. Over the next nine years, Lauren was treated multiple times for alcohol abuse and dependence, as well as other issues related to (and not related to) alcoholism.

At one point, she had remained sober for more than one year before once again drinking, which she knew would not turn out well. And it didn’t.

Help me make the

Most of freedom and of pleasure

Lauren loved the beach. She lived most of her life in Florida, so it’s what she knew and where she found peace. Lauren also loved her friends. She was what I like to call a “friend collector.” When she would move from place to place, or when friends would move on with their lives, Lauren didn’t replace these friends. She kept them, stayed in touch with them, and simply added more.

Lauren also loved dogs, adventure, and her family.

These were her pleasures.

Lauren also liked drinking. More specifically, Lauren liked that when she drank, the demons in her mind that haunted her, quieted. At least they did for a while.

By the end, drinking no longer gave her peace from the emotional and mental wounds that she accumulated over her far too short life. But, while she tried, she never could stop drinking.

And it killed her.

Say that you'll never, never, never, never need it

One headline, why believe it?

The last time I saw Lauren was April 27, 2023, just nine days before her death, at the hospital she would ultimately never leave.

Lauren's Mother had told me Lauren was very sick, but I don't think I truly believed her. Or it didn't really sink in.

I went to visit Lauren and the overwhelming first impression I had when I walked in the door of her hospital room was just how yellow she was. The whites of her eyes, weren’t. Her skin was yellow and her fingernails were yellow. It was obvious she was not in good physical shape.

The most difficult part to process, to this day, was how disconnected from reality she was. She was convinced that she was in a hotel, not a hospital, and she called what she believed was the “front desk” numerous times over the three days we spent with her. She was convinced that she was leaving to go to dinner with us, and she grew increasingly frustrated with the nurses at the “front desk” who refused to let her go.

At this point, Lauren had multiple IVs, a Foley catheter, and an nasogastric tube. Needless to say, she wasn’t going anywhere to eat anything.

Because of Lauren’s liver disease, the ammonia level in her bloodstream caused myriad bizarre behaviors and thought patterns. She was convinced that there was a chihuahua in the air conditioning vent in her room, speaking to her.

There’s a room where the light won’t find you

Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down

When they do I’ll be right behind you

Lauren told us she wanted “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” played at her funeral. I tried to play that off and suggested we play it at her wedding instead. She agreed. But the odd thing is that she wanted a one-man band version played, with her as the one-man band. And she played no instruments. She said she would just make the sounds with her mouth.

Lauren was not OK. And she never would be again.

When I left Jacksonville to return home, I kissed Lauren on the forehead and told her I’d see her soon. We were hopeful that the doctors would be able to stabilize Lauren’s kidney and liver functioning so she could begin to heal. A week after we left, she underwent a first round of dialysis and the doctor was hopeful. “After all, she’s young. She’s only 30.”

Two days later, Lauren was gone.

So glad we’ve almost made it it

So sad they had to fade it

We didn’t play “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” at Lauren’s funeral. Nor will we have the opportunity to play it at her wedding.

Lauren was my daughter. Is my daughter.

And she didn’t have to die.

I can't stand this indecision

Married with a lack of vision

Lauren didn’t have to die.

And neither do you.

Most people have a “Lauren” in their life. Someone whose drinking or other substance use is causing problems in their lives and the lives of those who love them. Some of them get sick or do permanent damage to themselves or others. Some wind up in jail or prison. Some of them create lives for themselves that are simply survival and painful to watch or live.

Some of them die. Like Lauren.

But some of them recover.

All for freedom and for pleasure

Nothing ever lasts forever

From the time Lauren was 4 or 5, I called her "Loo Loo," or "Loo."

That is why, at Patchouli Joe's (our bookstore in Denton, Texas), we created Loo Corner. This is a hand-curated selection of books specifically dealing with substance abuse recovery for women. The majority of the books have been recommended by women in recovery as books that helped them along their journey to recovery from alcohol and other substance problems.

Patchouli Joe's will donate 20% from the sale of the books in Loo Corner to an in-residence substance abuse treatment facility in Denton, help young women to find their path to recovery.

I will never forget Lauren and I am confident I will never fully recovery from losing her. She was my light, my Sweet Pickle, my baby girl...my daughter. My Loo Loo.

Her death will never make sense to me but if one person is able to find a path to peace that Lauren never did, her death will not have been in vain.

I think Lauren would like that.

I love you, Loo.

And I always will.

All for freedom and for pleasure

Nothing ever lasts forever

Everybody wants to rule the world

("Everybody Wants to Rule the World" lyrics © Bmg 10 Music Limited; written by Ian Stanley, Roland Orzabal, and Chris Hughes)