Granted, these are Seven stupid 7hings. But ladies, if you want to know what goes through that tiny brain of your man, read on.
1. “Damn…six more months to go until football season”: Ladies, men care about three things. Football, food...and Valentine’s day is not the third one.
2. “What’s the least amount of time, money, and effort I can put into this and still get laid?”: …and there you go. For those wondering what the third thing is, here it is.
3. “I wonder what she’s getting me?”: You’re lucky she lets you hang around with her, you cretin. Valentine’s day is her day, not yours. I’m sure it was invented by the first man who witnessed childbirth firsthand and understood that menstruation was a monthly event. Don’t bitch about her not getting you chocolates. We definitely got the better end of this deal, fellas.
4. “The flowers at the grocery store are a quarter the cost of that stupid florist!”: Oh, she knows this too, my friends. Rest assured…she knows this all too well.
5. “She’s been complaining about her weight. She’ll get mad if I get her chocolates.”: Not getting her chocolates because she told you she wanted to lose some weight is one step short of getting her a gym membership for Valentine’s day. The only reason you’d do either one is if you are cleverly planning to be single next Valentine’s day.
6. “OK…she said no gifts this year so I’m off the hook.”: You will only fall for this one once. Trust me...only once.
7. “Coupons!”: If you are over the age of 9 and unless your “Valentine” is your mother, giving candy hearts and coupons for “One hour of snuggling” or “Clean the litter box” will result in zero hours of snuggling and a filled litter box in your bed.
If you buy this at Target while all the Valentine’s stuff is out, you will get odd looks from the female shoppers. Screaming “Burying is cheaper than flowers!” doesn’t help.