Seven 7hings: To Hate About Houston. Feel free to add your own. With Houston, there are plenty of candidates, far too many things to fit in a list of seven. Or seven hundred.
1. Houston is a rootbound plant: The infrastructure of Houston for some reason hesitates to grow outside the I-610 loop and absolutely refuses to expand outward past the Sam Houston Tollway. As a result, the infrastructure for more than two million people is jammed into a circle with a 15 mile radius. Hence, a rootbound plant.
2. Traffic: Related to the rootboundedness of Houston is the traffic. And by traffic, I mean the drivers. And by drivers, I mean idiot Texans.
3. Concrete: Everything in Houston is concrete, even the lawns. Seriously, you’re the fourth largest city in the United States…buy a freaking fern already.
4. Weather: From the Napoleonic wars through Vietnam to present day, soldiers fear one thing as much as anything else: jungle rot. Simply put, feet immersed in water for extended periods of time often get infected and results in rotten feet. Feet that not only smell like feet but like rotten feet. That’s what Houston weather is like: One giant, rotten, smelly foot.
5. Identity crisis: Make up your mind, Houston. Do you want to be San Antonio, Dallas, or New Orleans? Trying to be all three means you’re not like any of them. You’re just Junglerotville. You really need to get a personality of your own.
6. Yippee-ki-yay: Houston is home to the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo, the world’s largest rodeo. It’s not only that this event draws 1.8 million people each year to Houston…it’s that it draws 1.8 million people with cowboy hats and “compensatory” oversized belt buckles.
7. On a related note, Texans: No, not the football team. Actual people from Texas. Seriously…are they the worst?
Derek Zoolander Center, coming soon to the Gallaria in Houston: